PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
ALLELLA
And welcome back to Pale Columbia! In our last episode, we saw Jupiter and Samson captured and returned to Monticello. Samson was punished and confined to the slave quarters, while Jupiter was tasked with entertaining Jefferson’s houseguests for that evening.
ALOYSIUS
Ever the facilitator, Jefferson finagled a deal wherein the bounty hunters Redd, Method, and Arch Porter would help Carmela Kaine transport her purchased slaves back to Manassas. Once there, Kaine would pay the bounty hunters the funds Jefferson owed them. That settled, Arch called attention to Samson's plight, and Jefferson angrily sent him off to check on the ailing slave.
ALLELLA
As they reached the slave quarters, though, the situation deteriorated quickly. Already in critical condition, Samson expired shortly after Arch arrived. He reanimated and quickly infected several nearby slaves.
ALOYSIUS
Unaware of the happenings in the slave quarters, Jefferson’s dinner party continued. And right there – with an anxious Jupiter playing chess with his constant admirer – is where we’ll pick up for this episode of … Pale Columbia.
MONTICELLO DINING ROOM
JUPITER
Pawn to Queen's Bishop four, Master Franklin. Check.
FRANKLIN
King to Queen's Knight five, and I'll take that Bisho -- Oh, of course, that's just what you wanted. Tell me, lad, just how long have you been planning this trap?
JUPITER
Since you took the knight, sir. Queen to Queen's Knight three. Respectfully, Master Franklin, I believe that's mate in one.
FRANKLIN
Indeed. And you've taken three straight games off me, Jupiter; I think it's okay for you to call me Benjamin.
JEFFERSON
You'll address him as Master Franklin, Jupiter.
JUPITER
Yes, Master Thomas.
FRANKLIN
Now, Thomas, I should get a say in how our young prodigy addresses --
JEFFERSON
The boy's already run off once, Ben. Your familiarity will only encourage further folly. Now, Jupiter, the last match you and I played was near identical to this one. How is it I emerged victorious in that match, while you've won this one?
JUPITER
What can I say, Master Thomas? You're an exemplary teacher.
FRANKLIN
Apologies, Thomas; it's just that you're a bright man in so many ways, so it's amusing when your blind spots are laid bare.
JEFFERSON
What are you on about?
FRANKLIN
I've beaten you in our last ten games, at least. Jupiter here has taken three of four off me tonight; and eight of our last ten.
JUPITER
Master Franklin, please. I assure you --
JEFFERSON
I assume you're coming to a point?
FRANKLIN
It's simple transitive property, Tom. He beats me, and I beat you, so --
FIONA
Well, it stands to reason they should smell of sweat, Carmela! They're every day out in the fields, laboring so that you can laze about indoors!
JEFFERSON
Oh my, they're at it again. Benjamin, please.
KAINE
First, Miss Pratt, I hardly "laze about indoors." My days and nights are full of industry. I wouldn't be where I am if that weren't the case. Second, the Negro is naturally suited to labor in service of his betters. That's a veritable law of nature --
FIONA
And who, perchance, wrote that law?
KAINE
Certainly not some lowborn like you. It’s admirable that Mister Franklin deigned to teach you to read, but it’s evident that, while you can take the rake out of the gutter, you can't take the gutter out of –
FIONA
If you want to see just how much gutter is left in this rake, I can certainly --
FRANKLIN
Fiona! That's enough!
FIONA
But, sir –
FRANKLIN
As a guest in Mister Jefferson's house, you must comport yourself accordingly! Wait in the foyer, and I'll deal with you forthwith.
KAINE
Well, at least you've some control of her. Perhaps there's hope yet she'll learn to properly address are her betters.
FRANKLIN
Madam, should she ever meet such a person, she'll handle the situation admirably.
KAINE
Beg your pardon, what now?
FRANKLIN
Nothing of consequence, I assure you. Now, Thomas, I find I have to deal with Fiona, but I still want to pick your man's brain. Might I borrow young Jupiter to accompany us on a walk outdoors.
JEFFERSON
Do what you will, Benjamin. Just -- Just get your woman in line, would you?
FRANKLIN
Taming a woman is like leashing a cat, Thomas: you do so at your own peril, and succeed only because they let you.
JEFFERSON
Benjamin –
FRANKLIN
Still, I’ll talk to her. Come, Jupiter. Tell me all about Thomas’ "masterful" chess tutoring.
JEFFERSON
Well! I for one am inclined to agree with Madam Kaine on the current state of the blacks, though as I said before, I do hold out hope that we can uplift them. Madam Method, Madam Redd, have either of you thoughts on the matter?
REDD
Never had truck with much beyond a blade and a whetstone, so ain’t much for me to add. The blacks is on the bottom, and that’s how it is.
JEFFERSON
Ah, yes, well. Succinct to a fault. Well! Moving the conversation to happier matters. I hope, Madam Kaine, that this won’t –
MONTICELLO GROUNDS
FRANKLIN
You’ll forgive me, of course, Fiona. That Carmela Kaine is reprehensible, and I’d half a mind to let you do with her as you would. Thomas, though, has need of her.
FIONA
She’s just so –
FRANKLIN
Now, Jupiter, those bounty hunters said you were on about some crazed throng?
JUPITER
Yes, Master Frank –
JUPITER
Yes – Er – Ben. Jamin. Yes, blighted. Devoid of reason. Even rabid. I wanted to tell Master Jefferson how they’d accosted us in the riverside town, but he would hear none of it. But I feel we should be on the lookout, lest –
FRANKLIN
My dear boy, if they’re devoid of reason as you say, we could hardly expect them to navigate the distance from there to Monticello, could we?
JUPITER
I suppose not. But Samson –
FRANKLIN
Is being tended to, I assure you. Now, I’ve seen the light regarding slavery, but when I did hold men in bondage, I could ill afford to lose them to fevers. Thomas is no different than I was before my enlightenment. Samson will recover.
FIONA
Jupiter, do you mean to say this – this blight – was somehow catching?
JUPITER
I cannot say for certain, but –
FRANKLIN
It’s doubtless some passing trifle, you two. If there’s one thing I learned in compiling my almanacs –
JUPITER
But these folk. They seemed possessed, and as ravenous as wolves. And –
FRANKLIN
If there’s one thing I learned. It’s that history is replete with such oddities. Two and a half centuries back, the town of Strasbourg fell under sway of a dancing sickness.
FIONA
Sir, if I may, I think Jupiter describes something a bit more serious than -
FRANKLIN
Is he though? It’s amusing to us now, but that dancing sickness claimed hundreds of lives before it vanished quick as it came. My point, you two, is – [Grunts] – is that these things tend to stay localized. Unless Jupiter’s crazed hordes somehow tracked him all the way back here, we’re likely safe up on the mountain, and –
JUPITER
Sir. Benjamin. If you would but back me as I explain further to Master Jefferson, I think you’ll understand –
FRANKLIN
Yes. Fine, Jupiter. I’ll sway Thomas, and you can plead your case. But not now. Can we not, for a moment – Forgo talk of blighted madmen and vile slave mistresses and take in the night? We’re well away from the big house and the slave quarters, enough to enjoy the quiet, no? To savor that crisp breeze with its hints of –
(Sniffs)
Well, manure, I suppose.
JUPITER
Aye, sir; the stables are upwind.
FRANKLIN
Ah, the stables. Madam Kaine ordered her man to bed down there. She really – Is quite loathsome, no? But enough of that, let’s – Oh my! – Let’s walk a bit further; take in more of this – Ah that’s come on quick.
JUPITER
Sir?
FIONA
(Sighs)
It’s his gout. Wine and rich foods exacerbate it, but he thought this latest flare had ended. I--
FRANKLIN
Go ahead, Fiona. The pain in my toe pales in comparison to how you’re aching to say it.
FIONA
Well, I did advise you otherwise, sir.
FRANKLIN
You did indeed, so no need to hold your tongue.
FIONA
What is it you tend to say: “Regret, most often, is the result of reticence”?
FRANKLIN
In this case, I think – The regret is born of Riesling. Oh, lord! This might be a bad one!
JUPITER
Lean on me, sir. We can walk you back to the big house.
FRANKLIN
Eh, by the smell of it, we’re nearer the stables. Just drag this addled fool there; the stableman can convey us back, no?
JUPITER
Of course, sir.
FRANKLIN
Still, you’ve got to love a quiet night, no? Us three – Ugh! – we’ve got the better deal, I’ll wager. I’d rather fend off a dozen of Jupiter’s blighted madmen than endure another hour with that harridan Kaine.
THE MONTICELLO DINING ROOM
JEFFERSON
So we shake on it: he’ll keep the father, but I buy the mother, plus a bonus for the child she would bear. But as it turned out – and here’s the crux! – she was carrying triplets! Haha! No lie: the mother and three pickaninnies for the price of … one and a half?
Yes. Well. As I was saying, Kaine, that’s the story behind Walter, Donald, and Jeffrey. I just thought it might amuse – Well.
KAINE
A droll tale, Jefferson. I hope they were better trained than your household staff. It been ages since our plates were cleared.
JEFFERSON
Of course, Kaine! I’m sure the help has just – Gideon! Gideon, come here, boy! I swear –
REDD
Might be the wine talking, but seems like Arch been gone a long stretch too, ya?
METHOD
We may wish to check on him.
JEFFERSON
no doubt they’ve all simply – For the life of me, I can’t figure what could be the –
JEFFERSON
Redd! Method! No need to produce arms, I assure you. It’s doubtless mishap with –
ARCH
Help! They’re right behind – Help!
REDD
Is that Arch?
REDD
Arch, you damn fool! What you got into now?
JEFFERSON
My God, man! Who’s done this to you?
METHOD
Roll him over! Give him some air!
REDD
Archie! Where’s all this blood from? Arch?
REDD
What the hell? Jefferson! Come see to your man out here!
JEFFERSON
My man? Whatever could – Ah, Junebug. The sun’s down, so no surprise to see you drunk and stumbling about. But what have you done with Master Porter here? Explain yourself, boy!
JEFFERSON
Junebug, unhand Madam Redd this moment!
REDD
Son of a – dammit! Method!
JEFFERSON
Junebug!? Method, what have you done?
METHOD
I’ll not abide any man laying hand on Redd.
JEFFERSON
Method, Junebug’s an angry drunk, sure, but not lethal! Why shoot him in the head? Why not an arm, so we could – I don’t know – calm him, or –
KAINE
It is a regrettable loss of capital, and –
ARCH
There’s more after! He was – Agh! It burns!
KAINE
More? Jefferson, are your blacks revolting?
JEFFERSON
Madam Kaine, this is surely some misunderstanding.
JEFFERSON
There! Now, Madam Method, you’ll of course understand if I dock your fee for the loss of Junebug, plus any furniture your man Arch bleeds on, so –
ARCH
More! Agh! Burns! More coming. Have to – Agh!
KAINE
Jefferson, we should heed Porter, no? If you’ve lost control of your slaves, we –
REDD
On it! Method?
METHOD
I’m with you, dear.
JEFFERSON
Begging pardon, but I was under the impression that you all were guests in my house! Will none of you listen –
JEFFERSON
Congratulations! Save for the dumbwaiter, you’ve sealed us off! And from what, No one knows! Maybe Madam Kaine rightly fears some slave revolt, but I see neither torch nor pitchfork nor African mob out yon window!
METHOD
Jefferson –
JEFFERSON
Mayhap it’s a revolt, but mayhap it’s something other, no? Who’s to say your man Arch didn’t just cheat poor Junebug in a craps game, eh? We’ll never know, I measure, as you’ve shot my Goddamned slave through his head!
METHOD
Jefferson!
JEFFERSON
What?
METHOD
A couple of things. One: quiet as it’s kept, our boy Arch is an octoroon. He’d never cheat one of your blacks. Two: look at your man Junebug. Really look at him. [Beat] Right there, starting under the left ear, you see how the flesh hangs loose? A single musket shot didn’t do that.
REDD
Plus, I stuck a blade in him up to the hilt, and he took it in stride.
KAINE
Remarkable.
JEFFERSON
What are you saying, then?
METHOD
Most of all, I’m saying you need to help us tend to Arch. Beyond that, can’t say. Maybe Kaine’s right and your slaves are rising up. Maybe it’s something else.
REDD
It damned sure ain’t from cheating at craps.
METHOD
Let’s move him to the light. I can’t tell where he’s bleeding from.
MONTICELLO STABLES
JUPITER
Just a.
(Grunts)
Bit further, sir.
FIONA
And not a moment too soon: that thunder grows ever closer.
AUDIO: Thunder rumbles. Distant moan.
FRANKLIN
I must insist on two things: Pull the carriage up well short of the main house, and
(Grunts)
And no one breathe a word of this to Thomas.
FIONA
(Mocking)
But sir, not an hour ago, Mister Jefferson so highly praised not only your ability to hold your wine, but also –
JUPITER
Miss Pratt-
FIONA
(Mocking)
But also your dismissal of my advice against further wine. Do you think he’ll now mock you for –
FRANKLIN
(Enduring this)
Yes, Fiona, yes! Between you gloating in my ear and the gout ravaging my toe, the whole of my person is under siege. I’ll not have Thomas adding to the – Agh!
FIONA
In all seriousness, sir: lean more on me. We’re almost to the stable and a carriage back to the big house –
JUPITER
Yes, just a bit further.
FIONA
(Lightly)
Whereupon I’ll brook no more of your folly. You’ll lie down, raise that foot, and drink every glass of water I give you.
FRANKLIN
(Lightly)
Yes ma’am! Ah, and here’s the rain. I say, Jupiter, do the stablemen typically turn in so early? There’s not a spark of light over there.
JUPITER
Not usually, sir.
FIONA
Might the slaves on duty have left their stations? To check on Samson and gossip, perhaps?
JUPITER
Oh no, Miss Pratt. Mister O’Malley – he’s a white man, he tends the horses.
AUDIO: Rain intensifying. A door creaks. Footsteps crunch on hay.
FRANKLIN
I remember an O’Malley. Fond of the bottle, by my recollection.
JUPITER
Master Thomas credits O’Malley with the breeding of his favorite mount, Caractacus. You’ve the right of it, though, sir: O’Malley’s likely off dozing in the hay.
AUDIO: JUPITER’S footsteps depart. FRANKLIN sighs in pain.
JUPITER
O’Malley? I need you to ready a carriage for Master Franklin. Where are you, man? Master Thomas will be cross if you’re dozing again. O’Malley?
FIONA
I can’t see a thing in here. And why is it so quiet? Where are the horses?
FRANKLIN
Sleeping, I’d wager. It’s so dark in here.
FIONA
All of them? Nary whinny nor neigh to be heard? If you say so. Ah well, there’s Jupiter with the light. Finally.
FRANKLIN
What’s that? What’s he stopped to look at? Why’s he waving?
FIONA
He’s saying something.
FRANKLIN
Speak up, lad! Why so quiet all of a – mmph? mmmph! – My word, Fiona, what are you hushing me for?
FIONA
(Hushed)
For some reason, sir, it looks like he thinks we should be quiet. I’m going to go see what’s captivated him so. Can I trust you, this time at least, to heed my advice when I ask you –
FRANKLIN
(Hushed)
Yes. Yes. You’ll never –
(Grunts)
Never let me live this down, will you?
FIONA
(Hushed, but lightly)
Not if I can help it, sir. Now, I’ll be back quicker than you can blink.
AUDIO: FRANKLIN sighs. Thunder. Footsteps on hay.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Jupiter, whatever is the matter? What fixates you so over – Oh! Oh my, that’s horrific!
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Shh!
FIONA
(Hushed)
Jupiter, this mare’s been torn to shreds! What could have done this? I know this county has its share of mountain lions, but you say the other stalls are the same?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
I fear it may not be a big cat, though, Miss Pratt.
FRANKLIN
(Far away)
Excuse me! I hate to interrupt your courtship, but do you two intend to leave me here?
FIONA
Mister Franklin, I thought we’d agreed –
JUPITER
Shh!
FRANKLIN
We did agree, but I don’t see anything –
JUPITER
Master Franklin, duck!
AUDIO: Booming crack of thunder. FRANKLIN yelps. Rain. Thunder. A loud moan cut short as Jupiter tackles someone. Grunts. Struggle.
FRANKLIN
Is that O’Malley? Jupiter, unhand him! Thomas will whip even you should you harm a white –
JUPITER
(Over O’Malley’s moans)
Fiona! Get Benjamin!
FIONA
With me, sir! Quickly!
AUDIO: JUPITER and O’MALLEY struggle. Rain. Thunder.
FRANKLIN
Now wait, you! Oh, my! Something’s wrong with O’Malley!
JUPITER
That carriage!
AUDIO: FIONA and FRANKLIN grunt and strain. Rain. A carriage door creaks open. FRANKLIN groans in pain.
FIONA
There. Secure yourself, while I tend to –
AUDIO: Lightning crackles. FRANKLIN gasps. Something wooden thunks into flesh and bone. O’MALLEY dies with a moan. JUPITER pants, exhausted.
FRANKLIN
Dear God, boy!
FIONA
Jupiter, are you hurt? Let me –
JUPITER
Stay back!
FRANKLIN
(Retches)
His eye, Jupiter! You’ve driven it right through his eye! Why would – What are you doing, lad, examining your limbs so?
JUPITER
Just stay back! You can’t let them bite you!
FRANKLIN
Jupiter, tell me you don’t think poor O’Malley here was somehow –
JUPITER
Look at him! Fiona, bring the light. His face, sir! What do you see?
FRANKLIN
My God! The skin’s half torn off, cheek to sternum!
JUPITER
The blight has followed us.
FIONA
Such a wound. How could he survive –
JUPITER
Oh no! Into the carriage, quickly!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Bodies struggle. Carriage door closes.
FRANKLIN
What in God’s name is it now, lad? Do you –
FIONA
(Hushed)
Quiet, Ben! There in that last flash of lightning: Their gates so crooked like drunks, but – Was that blood?
FRANKLIN
They’re coming – Agh! – this way. What would you have us do, Jupiter?
FIONA
(Hushed)
Here they come!
AUDIO: Rain. Several blighted moans. Thunder. Franklin groans in pain. Fiona shushes him. The moans grow closer, clearer. Shuffling footsteps on hay. Quiet breathing.
FRANKLIN
(Hushed)
There must be nearly ten of them, Jupiter.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Stay still, sir. they may just move on.
FIONA
(Hushed)
And yet they sniff about the carriage. As if they sense us.
AUDIO: Blighted moans and shuffling from outside carriage. Rain. Thuds against carriage. Music Box goes off.
FIONA
My Music box!
JUPITER
(Hushed)
We need to get out of here.
FIONA
(Hushed)
There’s no way we can outrun them whilst bearing Benjamin, and it seems safest in here, as they’ve yet to breach –
AUDIO: Harder banging. Intense moans. Something wooden splinters.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Then again. What were you planning?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Look there, Fiona; that sliding panel at the head of the carriage. You could fit through it, no?
FIONA
(Hushed. Hesitant)
I. Could? But then I’d be out there with
(Splintering thud)
Well, with all that.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Clamber up onto the carriage. This is one of the grander coaches; tall enough that it should keep you out of their reach.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Should?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Should is all we’ve got, I’m afraid. Here. If any of them get close, fend them off with this.
FIONA
(Hushed)
What’s this, a riding crop?
FRANKLIN
No deadlier than a harsh scolding-
AUDIO: FIONA shushes him.
FRANKLIN
Oh Heavens, dear, they already know we’re in here.
(Thudding and moans)
See? Now look here, I’ve still got my cane. It’s solid oak; sturdy enough for whacking and poking.
FIONA
Fine, but I still don’t see what I’m –
JUPITER
They should follow you up to the front of the carriage. Once the door is clear, I’ll slip out the back. A good shove should get the coach rolling down the hill, whereupon I’ll jump on and we should be able to coast free of them.
FIONA
There were many more “shoulds” in that plan than I’m comfortable with.
AUDIO: Blighted moans. Chains rattling. Another splintering thud.
JUPITER
Perhaps, Miss Pratt, you’d be more comfortable attempting to fend them off – from within the confines of the coach?
FIONA
Can you push the coach yourself? What if you slip?
JUPITER
I’m certain I can get it moving. And if you see me slip, well, just toss me the cane and I’ll have a fighting chance, no?
AUDIO: Beat. Blighted moans and thuds. Thunder. FIONA climbing atop seat. Carriage panel slides open. Blighted moans clearer now.
JUPITER
Just keep them occupied for a few seconds.
FIONA
If I don’t see you clinging to the rear of this carriage, there’ll be hell to pay.
JUPITER
Master Franklin seems to fear you, and he’s the wisest man I know, so I’ve no intention of disappointing you.
AUDIO: Blighted moans. More shuffling, then footsteps on wood as FIONA climbs atop the carriage. FIONA starts banging and shouting.
FRANKLIN
It’s quite the gambit, my boy. –
(Groans)
Were you anyone else, I wouldn’t be so confident you could pull it off.
AUDIO: FIONA making noise. Thudding ceases. Blighted moans.
JUPITER
Were I anyone else, sir – were I someone better – we’d not be in this situation.
AUDIO: Thuds against carriage.
JUPITER
I’ll see you at the bottom of the hill. Be ready to run.
AUDIO: Door creaks open, then closes.
FIONA
(Shouting and stamping)
Hey, you bloody lackwits! Up here! Look, I’m here!
(Stamping)
Oh, Too close! Get back!
AUDIO: A cane thwacks against skull. Blighted shriek.
JUPITER
(Straining)
Almost. Almost. Now.
(Grunts)
To give it.
(Grunts)
A good. Shove!
FRANKLIN
Ha! That’s done it! We’re rolling! Quickly, lad! Hop on! Jupiter? Jupiter, watch out!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Blighted moan. JUPITER yelps as he’s tackled.
FRANKLIN
Fiona! One’s got hold of Jupiter! The cane, girl! The cane!
FIONA
Wha – Jupiter! Catch!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Carriage rolling quickly. Blighted moans growing distant.
FIONA
We’re going too fast, sir! Brace yourself!
FRANKLIN
Girl, hold fast to the roof! With any luck we may coast without –
AUDIO: Loud carriage crash. Sounds of broken music box. Rain. Thunder. Then FIONA groaning.
FIONA
Ugh. Ben! Are you still in one piece?
AUDIO: Carriage door creaks open. Breaks. Falls off hinges.
FRANKLIN
I’m no worse for wear, girl. The coach is done for. Look there; do you see Jupiter?
FIONA
No sign of him, sir. But look there: a few of those blighted madmen still tail us.
FRANKLIN
Look again, my girl. Jupiter –
FIONA
Is fending for himself, Ben! Jupiter gave us what scant chance we have, now come on! We’ve a good lead on them, but they’re charging downhill, and I’ve got you to consider. We can make it to the house before they catch us, but only just.
FRANKLIN
Perhaps-
(Grunts)
You’d be better off leaving me. I can hide in the carriage wreck. With this pain in my foot – and without my cane – I’ll only slow you down, and – My word! Fiona!
FIONA
(Grunting)
Ben. Of all times, why would you choose now to start stepping lightly? Come.
AUDIO: FIONA and FRANKLIN strain. Rain. FRANKLIN grunting in pain. In the distance, blighted moans. Music plays.
PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
AUDIO: Rain and thunder fade into muted bumper music.
ALLELLA
Franklin and Fiona trudged through the muck back toward Monticello’s main house, just ahead of any number of blighted pursuers.
ALOYSIUS
Meanwhile, Jefferson and his houseguests were themselves dealing with their own blight encounter.
ALLELLA
But we’ll have to save all that for our next episode. As always, we’d like to thank our listeners.
ALOYSIUS
And – as of a few minutes ago, I’m proud to announce – a surprise new sponsor: Kaine Capital.
ALLELLA
(Muffled)
What? Kaine Capital? You should’ve discussed this with me before –
ALOYSIUS
(Muffled)
It just came in. What did you want me to do, turn them down?
(Now clearer)
We’ll have more to discuss on that and other developments on the next episode of … Pale Columbia.
AUDIO: Muffled sounds of ALOYSIUS and ALLELLA bickering. Bumper Music Swells.REDD
On it! Method?
METHOD
I’m with you, dear.
JEFFERSON
Begging pardon, but I was under the impression that you all were guests in my house! Will none of you listen –
AUDIO: Grunts. Furniture scrapes hardwood, thunks against door. Lock clicks. ARCH moans.
JEFFERSON
Congratulations! Save for the dumbwaiter, you’ve sealed us off! And from what, No one knows! Maybe Madam Kaine rightly fears some slave revolt, but I see neither torch nor pitchfork nor African mob out yon window!
METHOD
Jefferson –
JEFFERSON
Mayhap it’s a revolt, but mayhap it’s something other, no? Who’s to say your man Arch didn’t just cheat poor Junebug in a craps game, eh? We’ll never know, I measure, as you’ve shot my Goddamned slave through his head!
METHOD
Jefferson!
JEFFERSON
What?
METHOD
A couple of things. One: quiet as it’s kept, our boy Arch is an octoroon. He’d never cheat one of your blacks. Two: look at your man Junebug. Really look at him. [Beat] Right there, starting under the left ear, you see how the flesh hangs loose? A single musket shot didn’t do that.
REDD
Plus, I stuck a blade in him up to the hilt, and he took it in stride.
KAINE
(Mostly to herself)
Remarkable.
JEFFERSON
What are you saying, then?
METHOD
Most of all, I’m saying you need to help us tend to Arch. Beyond that, can’t say. Maybe Kaine’s right and your slaves are rising up. Maybe it’s something else.
REDD
It damned sure ain’t from cheating at craps.
METHOD
Let’s move him to the light. I can’t tell where he’s bleeding from.
AUDIO: Grunts. ARCH moans. Distant thunder.
MONTICELLO STABLES
AUDIO: Music, Nighttime sounds, Footsteps.
JUPITER
Just a.
(Grunts)
Bit further, sir.
FIONA
And not a moment too soon: that thunder grows ever closer.
AUDIO: Thunder rumbles. Distant moan.
FRANKLIN
I must insist on two things: Pull the carriage up well short of the main house, and
(Grunts)
And no one breathe a word of this to Thomas.
FIONA
(Mocking)
But sir, not an hour ago, Mister Jefferson so highly praised not only your ability to hold your wine, but also –
JUPITER
Miss Pratt-
FIONA
(Mocking)
But also your dismissal of my advice against further wine. Do you think he’ll now mock you for –
FRANKLIN
(Enduring this)
Yes, Fiona, yes! Between you gloating in my ear and the gout ravaging my toe, the whole of my person is under siege. I’ll not have Thomas adding to the – Agh!
FIONA
In all seriousness, sir: lean more on me. We’re almost to the stable and a carriage back to the big house –
JUPITER
Yes, just a bit further.
FIONA
(Lightly)
Whereupon I’ll brook no more of your folly. You’ll lie down, raise that foot, and drink every glass of water I give you.
FRANKLIN
(Lightly)
Yes ma’am! Ah, and here’s the rain. I say, Jupiter, do the stablemen typically turn in so early? There’s not a spark of light over there.
JUPITER
Not usually, sir.
FIONA
Might the slaves on duty have left their stations? To check on Samson and gossip, perhaps?
JUPITER
Oh no, Miss Pratt. Mister O’Malley – he’s a white man, he tends the horses.
AUDIO: Rain intensifying. A door creaks. Footsteps crunch on hay.
FRANKLIN
I remember an O’Malley. Fond of the bottle, by my recollection.
JUPITER
Master Thomas credits O’Malley with the breeding of his favorite mount, Caractacus. You’ve the right of it, though, sir: O’Malley’s likely off dozing in the hay.
AUDIO: JUPITER’S footsteps depart. FRANKLIN sighs in pain.
JUPITER
O’Malley? I need you to ready a carriage for Master Franklin. Where are you, man? Master Thomas will be cross if you’re dozing again. O’Malley?
FIONA
I can’t see a thing in here. And why is it so quiet? Where are the horses?
FRANKLIN
Sleeping, I’d wager. It’s so dark in here.
FIONA
All of them? Nary whinny nor neigh to be heard? If you say so. Ah well, there’s Jupiter with the light. Finally.
FRANKLIN
What’s that? What’s he stopped to look at? Why’s he waving?
FIONA
He’s saying something.
FRANKLIN
Speak up, lad! Why so quiet all of a – mmph? mmmph! – My word, Fiona, what are you hushing me for?
FIONA
(Hushed)
For some reason, sir, it looks like he thinks we should be quiet. I’m going to go see what’s captivated him so. Can I trust you, this time at least, to heed my advice when I ask you –
FRANKLIN
(Hushed)
Yes. Yes. You’ll never –
(Grunts)
Never let me live this down, will you?
FIONA
(Hushed, but lightly)
Not if I can help it, sir. Now, I’ll be back quicker than you can blink.
AUDIO: FRANKLIN sighs. Thunder. Footsteps on hay.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Jupiter, whatever is the matter? What fixates you so over – Oh! Oh my, that’s horrific!
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Shh!
FIONA
(Hushed)
Jupiter, this mare’s been torn to shreds! What could have done this? I know this county has its share of mountain lions, but you say the other stalls are the same?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
I fear it may not be a big cat, though, Miss Pratt.
FRANKLIN
(Far away)
Excuse me! I hate to interrupt your courtship, but do you two intend to leave me here?
FIONA
Mister Franklin, I thought we’d agreed –
JUPITER
Shh!
FRANKLIN
We did agree, but I don’t see anything –
JUPITER
Master Franklin, duck!
AUDIO: Booming crack of thunder. FRANKLIN yelps. Rain. Thunder. A loud moan cut short as Jupiter tackles someone. Grunts. Struggle.
FRANKLIN
Is that O’Malley? Jupiter, unhand him! Thomas will whip even you should you harm a white –
JUPITER
(Over O’Malley’s moans)
Fiona! Get Benjamin!
FIONA
With me, sir! Quickly!
AUDIO: JUPITER and O’MALLEY struggle. Rain. Thunder.
FRANKLIN
Now wait, you! Oh, my! Something’s wrong with O’Malley!
JUPITER
That carriage!
AUDIO: FIONA and FRANKLIN grunt and strain. Rain. A carriage door creaks open. FRANKLIN groans in pain.
FIONA
There. Secure yourself, while I tend to –
AUDIO: Lightning crackles. FRANKLIN gasps. Something wooden thunks into flesh and bone. O’MALLEY dies with a moan. JUPITER pants, exhausted.
FRANKLIN
Dear God, boy!
FIONA
Jupiter, are you hurt? Let me –
JUPITER
Stay back!
FRANKLIN
(Retches)
His eye, Jupiter! You’ve driven it right through his eye! Why would – What are you doing, lad, examining your limbs so?
JUPITER
Just stay back! You can’t let them bite you!
FRANKLIN
Jupiter, tell me you don’t think poor O’Malley here was somehow –
JUPITER
Look at him! Fiona, bring the light. His face, sir! What do you see?
FRANKLIN
My God! The skin’s half torn off, cheek to sternum!
JUPITER
The blight has followed us.
FIONA
Such a wound. How could he survive –
JUPITER
Oh no! Into the carriage, quickly!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Bodies struggle. Carriage door closes.
FRANKLIN
What in God’s name is it now, lad? Do you –
FIONA
(Hushed)
Quiet, Ben! There in that last flash of lightning: Their gates so crooked like drunks, but – Was that blood?
FRANKLIN
They’re coming – Agh! – this way. What would you have us do, Jupiter?
FIONA
(Hushed)
Here they come!
AUDIO: Rain. Several blighted moans. Thunder. Franklin groans in pain. Fiona shushes him. The moans grow closer, clearer. Shuffling footsteps on hay. Quiet breathing.
FRANKLIN
(Hushed)
There must be nearly ten of them, Jupiter.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Stay still, sir. they may just move on.
FIONA
(Hushed)
And yet they sniff about the carriage. As if they sense us.
AUDIO: Blighted moans and shuffling from outside carriage. Rain. Thuds against carriage. Music Box goes off.
FIONA
My Music box!
JUPITER
(Hushed)
We need to get out of here.
FIONA
(Hushed)
There’s no way we can outrun them whilst bearing Benjamin, and it seems safest in here, as they’ve yet to breach –
AUDIO: Harder banging. Intense moans. Something wooden splinters.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Then again. What were you planning?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Look there, Fiona; that sliding panel at the head of the carriage. You could fit through it, no?
FIONA
(Hushed. Hesitant)
I. Could? But then I’d be out there with
(Splintering thud)
Well, with all that.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Clamber up onto the carriage. This is one of the grander coaches; tall enough that it should keep you out of their reach.
FIONA
(Hushed)
Should?
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Should is all we’ve got, I’m afraid. Here. If any of them get close, fend them off with this.
FIONA
(Hushed)
What’s this, a riding crop?
FRANKLIN
No deadlier than a harsh scolding-
AUDIO: FIONA shushes him.
FRANKLIN
Oh Heavens, dear, they already know we’re in here.
(Thudding and moans)
See? Now look here, I’ve still got my cane. It’s solid oak; sturdy enough for whacking and poking.
FIONA
Fine, but I still don’t see what I’m –
JUPITER
They should follow you up to the front of the carriage. Once the door is clear, I’ll slip out the back. A good shove should get the coach rolling down the hill, whereupon I’ll jump on and we should be able to coast free of them.
FIONA
There were many more “shoulds” in that plan than I’m comfortable with.
AUDIO: Blighted moans. Chains rattling. Another splintering thud.
JUPITER
Perhaps, Miss Pratt, you’d be more comfortable attempting to fend them off – from within the confines of the coach?
FIONA
Can you push the coach yourself? What if you slip?
JUPITER
I’m certain I can get it moving. And if you see me slip, well, just toss me the cane and I’ll have a fighting chance, no?
AUDIO: Beat. Blighted moans and thuds. Thunder. FIONA climbing atop seat. Carriage panel slides open. Blighted moans clearer now.
JUPITER
Just keep them occupied for a few seconds.
FIONA
If I don’t see you clinging to the rear of this carriage, there’ll be hell to pay.
JUPITER
Master Franklin seems to fear you, and he’s the wisest man I know, so I’ve no intention of disappointing you.
AUDIO: Blighted moans. More shuffling, then footsteps on wood as FIONA climbs atop the carriage. FIONA starts banging and shouting.
FRANKLIN
It’s quite the gambit, my boy. –
(Groans)
Were you anyone else, I wouldn’t be so confident you could pull it off.
AUDIO: FIONA making noise. Thudding ceases. Blighted moans.
JUPITER
Were I anyone else, sir – were I someone better – we’d not be in this situation.
AUDIO: Thuds against carriage.
JUPITER
I’ll see you at the bottom of the hill. Be ready to run.
AUDIO: Door creaks open, then closes.
FIONA
(Shouting and stamping)
Hey, you bloody lackwits! Up here! Look, I’m here!
(Stamping)
Oh, Too close! Get back!
AUDIO: A cane thwacks against skull. Blighted shriek.
JUPITER
(Straining)
Almost. Almost. Now.
(Grunts)
To give it.
(Grunts)
A good. Shove!
FRANKLIN
Ha! That’s done it! We’re rolling! Quickly, lad! Hop on! Jupiter? Jupiter, watch out!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Blighted moan. JUPITER yelps as he’s tackled.
FRANKLIN
Fiona! One’s got hold of Jupiter! The cane, girl! The cane!
FIONA
Wha – Jupiter! Catch!
AUDIO: Rain. Thunder. Carriage rolling quickly. Blighted moans growing distant.
FIONA
We’re going too fast, sir! Brace yourself!
FRANKLIN
Girl, hold fast to the roof! With any luck we may coast without –
AUDIO: Loud carriage crash. Sounds of broken music box. Rain. Thunder. Then FIONA groaning.
FIONA
Ugh. Ben! Are you still in one piece?
AUDIO: Carriage door creaks open. Breaks. Falls off hinges.
FRANKLIN
I’m no worse for wear, girl. The coach is done for. Look there; do you see Jupiter?
FIONA
No sign of him, sir. But look there: a few of those blighted madmen still tail us.
FRANKLIN
Look again, my girl. Jupiter –
FIONA
Is fending for himself, Ben! Jupiter gave us what scant chance we have, now come on! We’ve a good lead on them, but they’re charging downhill, and I’ve got you to consider. We can make it to the house before they catch us, but only just.
FRANKLIN
Perhaps-
(Grunts)
You’d be better off leaving me. I can hide in the carriage wreck. With this pain in my foot – and without my cane – I’ll only slow you down, and – My word! Fiona!
FIONA
(Grunting)
Ben. Of all times, why would you choose now to start stepping lightly? Come.
AUDIO: FIONA and FRANKLIN strain. Rain. FRANKLIN grunting in pain. In the distance, blighted moans. Music plays.
PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
AUDIO: Rain and thunder fade into muted bumper music.
ALLELLA
Franklin and Fiona trudged through the muck back toward Monticello’s main house, just ahead of any number of blighted pursuers.
ALOYSIUS
Meanwhile, Jefferson and his houseguests were themselves dealing with their own blight encounter.
ALLELLA
But we’ll have to save all that for our next episode. As always, we’d like to thank our listeners.
ALOYSIUS
And – as of a few minutes ago, I’m proud to announce – a surprise new sponsor: Kaine Capital.
ALLELLA
(Muffled)
What? Kaine Capital? You should’ve discussed this with me before –
ALOYSIUS
(Muffled)
It just came in. What did you want me to do, turn them down?
(Now clearer)
We’ll have more to discuss on that and other developments on the next episode of … Pale Columbia.
AUDIO: Muffled sounds of ALOYSIUS and ALLELLA bickering. Bumper Music Swells.
