PALE COLUMBIA STUDIO HEADQUARTERS
ALOYSIUS
Could you just trust -
Hey there! I’m Doctor Aloysius Freeman –
ALLELLA
(Bitter)
And I’m Allella Marx-Parks.
ALOYSIUS
And thanks for joining us again on Pale Columbia. Now, I know you’re aching to dive back into the story, and we’ll get to that momentarily. But first, we have a guest! We closed our last episode with the news that our humble podcast had gotten a sponsor. Joining us now is Associate Communications Director for Kaine Capital, Veronica Del Monaco. Good to have you with us, Veronica.
VERONICA
Great to be here, Doctor Freeman.
ALLELLA
Now, Veronica, we’re both tenured professors of history, while you have a bachelor’s in – communications, yes? Could you tell our listeners how you’ll contribute to our pod –
VERONICA
Great question, Allella! Let me start off by stressing Kaine Capital’s commitment to uplifting non-traditional voices. Kaine is listening to all viewpoints, especially the historically marginalized ones.
ALOYSIUS
(Beat)
Yes. And you’re here because Kaine Capital’s corporate lineage stretches back to Carmela Kaine, who turned her considerable slave holdings into –
VERONICA
So glad you asked, Doctor Freeman! It’s no secret that – as with most major western financial institutions, Kaine Capital is regrettably tied to persons who profited from America’s Original Sin of slavery. As to Carmela Kaine, she was a product of her time. Things were different in those days. Right now, though, Kaine Capital is leading the way in engaging with historically wronged communities.
ALLELLA
So Kaine is working on reparations?
VERONICA
Reparation-Adjacent Corporate Initiatives. For instance, our Explain Your Pain to Kaine Project turns minority essays into rap vid –
ALLELLA
That’s a No, folks. Now, since you’re here to make sure we don’t badmouth Carmela too much, why don’t you –
ALOYSIUS
(Firmly)
And that’s the perfect segue back into our tale. We’ll hear more from Veronica later, but for now let’s get back to Fiona and Ben Franklin, no? When we last saw them, they’d narrowly escaped a horde of blighted assailants, but they’d lost Jupiter in the process. Blighted pursuers on their tail, Fiona and Franklin made their way to the big house, and that’s where we dive into this installment of … Pale Columbia.
AUDIO: Bumper music swells. Muted, indecipherable bickering between ALLELLA, VERONICA, and ALOYSIUS.
MONTICELLO GROUNDS
AUDIO: Bumper music fades to rain and thunder. FRANKLIN and FIONA breathe heavily.
FIONA
(Winded)
We’re almost there, sir! Just a bit farther.
FRANKLIN
(Exhausted, agonized)
I was already going to put you in charge of the Philadelphia print shop, Fiona. But after this –
(Grunts)
I may have to bequeath everything to you after I’m gone.
FIONA
I’m holding you to that, sir, but they’re gaining on us. Let’s speed our pace. You can’t amend your will if you’re dead.
AUDIO: Rain. FIONA and FRANKLIN strain. Distant blighted moans. After a while, their footfalls land on wood instead of mud.
FRANKLIN
What the dickens happened to the front door? It’s half off its BOTT!
FIONA
We can figure that once we’re inside, sir. Even half a door is preferable to no barrier twixt us and them.
AUDIO: Footsteps on wood. Rain and thunder fade as they enter. FIONA grunts, and a door creaks closed. FRANKLIN and FIONA pant, exhausted.
FRANKLIN
How
(Grunts)
How long do you think we – How far ahead of them, I mean to say –
FIONA
Not far enough, sir, so back on your feet.
AUDIO: FRANKLIN grunts as he rises. Footsteps on wood.
FRANKLIN
The dining room doors are closed. That may be a good sign; perhaps Jefferson and the others sealed themselves in.
FIONA
Aye but look there.
(Footsteps halt)
FRANKLIN
Good lord, that’s so much blood, and – why, that’s Junebug! I knew him, Fiona. We tumbled dice many a time.
FIONA
Poor bastard’s been stabbed and shot. No telling if he spread the blight before they put him down.
FRANKLIN
Well, since I faintly hear conversation within, and not rabid howling, I’d say we should check and see.
AUDIO: FRANKLIN tries locked door.
FRANKLIN
It’s locked. That may mean someone has their wits inside.
AUDIO: Pounding on door.
FRANKLIN
Hallo! Thomas? Are you alive in there? Open up!
AUDIO: Beat. Muffled commotion beyond door getting closer. And conversation: an argument.
JEFFERSON
(Muffled by door)
Benjamin? Thank heavens, man! One moment. Redd, help me with this barricade so Benjamin can –
KAINE
(Muffled)
Belay that!
JEFFERSON
(Muffled)
Belay? What?
KAINE
(Muffled)
How do we know your rogue slaves aren’t using them to force their way in?
FIONA
Carmela Kaine! If I get bitten because of you, I swear on all that’s holy, I’ll –
JEFFERSON
(Muffled)
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Someone help me clear the door!
MONTICELLO DINING ROOM
REDD
Look like nine kinds of hell, they do, but they ain’t rabid or revolting, at least.
JEFFERSON
Get in here, man! Are you whole? And you, Miss Fiona? What’s going on out there?
AUDIO: Door closes. Grunting and furniture scrapes. FRANKLIN sighs, plopping onto a couch.
FRANKLIN
It’s utter pandemonium, Thomas. We barely made it here alive. There are hordes – Agh!
FIONA
(Over Franklin’s moans)
Gout flare – the least of our concerns. It is hell out there. We were set upon –
KAINE
Yes, we’re aware of the slave revolt, girl.
FIONA
It is not. A slave revolt. Carmela! It’s –
FRANKLIN
(Pained)
A plague of rabidity, but worse! The infected, they’re like madmen but –
FIONA
They’re single-minded, voracious, tireless.
METHOD
Yes, I believe we’ve had a run in with one already; Arch over there even more so.
KAINE
You say they’re tireless, yes?
REDD
What was you saying from outside? If you got hurt ‘cause of Kaine here? What was that?
FIONA
Yes, they have one goal: to spread their blight. At least that’s what I could glean from Ju – Oh, Ben! Jupiter!
JEFFERSON
Ah! I knew I was forgetting something. What’s that boy gotten up to? Don’t tell me he’s taken advantage of this commotion to chance another escape. He’d better –
FRANKLIN
For God’s sake, Thomas, be silent! Fiona and I are only here thanks to that lad. And if you’d heeded him before, we might well have avoided –
JEFFERSON
Heeded him before, Ben? I’ll admit, this has been a fatal bit of falderal, but don’t tell me you now believe Jupiter’s fantastical –
FRANKLIN
Thomas! Jupiter kept trying to tell you he and Samson had been accosted by rabid madmen. That Samson had been bitten –
FIONA
And now lunatics have overrun your estate, biting and brutalizing everyone they –
JEFFERSON
(Pounds table)
Enough! It was an amusing jape from Jupiter. And Miss Pratt is both young and a woman, so her naïveté can be excused. But you, Benjamin?
FRANKLIN
Thomas, listen!
JEFFERSON
No, you listen, Benjamin! I’ve had one bondsman gunned down over little more than being an angry drunk who got cheated at dice. The likely cheat lies yonder, soiling that chaise lounge with his life’s blood –
FIONA
Sir, you haven’t seen them, though! They –
JEFFERSON
Haven’t I? Well, let’s have a peek then, no?
AUDIO: JEFFERSON stomping. Curtains pulled back.
FRANKLIN
Thomas! Close the curtains! The light –
METHOD
I’m inclined to agree with your friend, Jefferson. Until we know what’s out there –
AUDIO: Window creaks open. Rain. Distant thunder.
JEFFERSON
Horror of horrors! It’s neither revolt nor blighted horde. Just Big Harold, Too Sweet, and a dozen or so other meanderers.
(Shouting)
You there, neath the torchlight! Why so aimless, Big Harold? Don’t you know there’s a –
AUDIO: JEFFERSON trails off. Light thunder. Then a moan, clear and close. Then more moans.
JEFFERSON
(Quieter now)
A hubbub going. Going. A revolt. My God, his jaw’s torn clean away.
AUDIO: Shuffling bodies. Window slams shut. Moans and rain cease. Curtain pulled closed.
FIONA
Idiot! You’ll draw them right to us?
JEFFERSON
(Stunned)
His jaw – And Too Sweet’s eye.
REDD
Aye, dangling half down her face, it was. Look, whether they revolting or rabid or both –
AUDIO: Blade drawing.
REDD
I want no part of that. Method, let’s get –
METHOD
Already ahead of you, dearest. Come on, Arch. My word, you’re burning up! Let’s sit up now. We’ll circumvent them in the darkness, grab the wagon, and be rid of … whatever all this is.
KAINE
I beg your pardon, but am I to understand you mean to abandon us?
METHOD
Well … Yes. I thought that rather obvious.
KAINE
What faithless rabble! And you, Jefferson! You were going to send me home with – Jefferson? Jefferson!
JEFFERSON
(Lost in horror)
Torn clean off. And so much blood. But still upright. How –
REDD
And that right there, folks, is why our paths got to part. Young Master Awestruck and Horrified over there is dead weight. Let alone the gout-hobbled greyhair on the fainting couch.
FRANKLIN
Needs must when the Devil drives, my girl. If those maniacs are closing in, I might even outrun you, gout or no gout.
REDD
You’re an ornery old cuss, Franklin. I believe you just might. Still, we already got to haul Arch, so I’m afraid –
FIONA
And just what has befallen your companion? He seems gravely injured. I wonder if you should chance to move him at all.
AUDIO: METHOD grunts. ARCH moans.
REDD
Archie’s fine. Just had him a tussle with the corpse you stepped over on the way in.
FRANKLIN
Corpse? You mean Junebug? But Junebug–
FIONA
Was infected! Miss Redd, Miss Method, did you examine your man’s wound?
METHOD
(Grunting)
We attempted to. There were a great many, though, and Arch is the anatomist of our trio. Still, we stanched the bleeding and bound them suitably, didn’t we, Arch? Arch?
FIONA
Did you see the wounds, though! How was he wounded?
REDD
How? Well, it was bad. I mean, you see him.
FRANKLIN
No, how? Was he beaten? Stabbed? Bitten?
METHOD
Archie? Hey, Archie!
REDD
He got beat pretty bad. By the look of Junebug, he gave as good as he got, though. Some bruises. A couple of bites –
FIONA
A couple?
REDD
Aye. On the fingers, I think. Forearms, maybe. Must have got ugly, but Arch –
METHOD
Redd, dear. I fear we may have lost –
FIONA
Miss Method, drop him and get away!
REDD
Look, we’re not abandoning Archie to –
METHOD
Ah! Here he is! My word, Archibald! For a moment there, I feared we’d – Agh!
AUDIO: Blighted moans. Bodies tumbling, struggling.
REDD
Lillian! Arch, you get the hell off her now! What’s wrong with –
AUDIO: More struggling. ARCH moans. A blade sinks into flesh.
REDD
Make me kill you – Son of a bitch! Get! Off!
FRANKLIN
Watch his teeth, girl! Don’t let him bite!
FIONA
The head, Redd! Strike the head!
REDD
You do it if it’s so easy! Or just! Shut the hell! Up and let me! Work!
AUDIO: Freed, Method wheezes. REDD roars. Quick footsteps of multiple people. REDD grunts.
FIONA
No, Redd! Not the windo –
AUDIO: Body crashes through window down to ground. Rain. Thunder. Blighted moans. REDD pants.
REDD
(Winded)
God damn it, Arch. What the hell got into you? Poor son of a – Hey, what are you? Get your hands off me, girl!
FIONA
Did he bite you? Redd! Did he bite you?
REDD
No! I don’t think so. Let me – I can look for myself, thank you!
FIONA
And you, Method?
METHOD
Hands off, Pratt, I’m fine. Leather sleeves. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to check on my erstwhile companion.
REDD
What is this fixation on biting, girl? Archie was throwing four punches for every chomp.
KAINE
Isn’t it obvious? It spreads via bite. Isn’t that so, Miss Pratt?
FIONA
(Taken aback)
I. Well, yes. At least, that’s the impression Jupiter gave –
KAINE
And it stands to reason that this – you called it a blight, yes? – this blight progresses depending on the location and severity of the bite? Now, Method, you said your man Archibald was burning up. The other runaway – the big buck, Samson? – he was feverish when you three brought him back, wasn’t he? So then: the blight causes the madness and the biting. The bites spread the blight and bring the fever, and the rest should be plain without me explaining further, no?
FIONA
(Beat)
Yes. That all. That sounds. Yes.
FRANKLIN
An impressive chain of deductions, Madam Kaine.
KAINE
You sound incredulous, Franklin.
FRANKLIN
Quite the opposite, madam. Rather, I’m humbled by your logic.
KAINE
Praise from Caesar. I was further wondering: If one could remove their teeth, thus keeping them from biting, could one then utilize them –
FIONA
And now I think we’re all horrified. “Utilize them”? What ever could – Wait! Redd! Method! What are you doing?
REDD
Weren’t even too far a drop. Could probably climb back up easy. But look at him. Neck bent all wrong and – God. Damn it.
METHOD
Archibald didn’t deserve this.
REDD
Lillian, I swear on my life, love, if I could’ve got him off you some other way –
METHOD
I know you would have.
FIONA
(Whispering)
I know this is difficult, but they’re drawn to sound and motion. If that earlier group returns and sees you two? In this light? We’ll – Oh, hell. He’s moving.
REDD
He’s moving! Archie?
FIONA
Quiet! That’s not your friend any – Mister Jefferson, some help, please?
JEFFERSON
(Miles away)
Window ruined. His neck’s bent wrong. Yet he persists.
REDD
([Loud whisper] )
Archie! You back in your right mind, pal?
FIONA
Redd, please! If he calls the others, we –
AUDIO: Sound of bones cracking, snapping. Thunder. Arch wails loudly.
FIONA
Oh damn it. If we’ve any luck, none of the others heard –
AUDIO: A chorus of blighted moans and wails drawing closer. Thunder.
FRANKLIN
(From a distance)
Fiona! What’s going on over there?
FIONA
Redd and Method are mourning their friend, sir! Mister Jefferson seems caught in a fugue, and Carmela –
KAINE
Fascinating.
FIONA
(Sighs)
Carmela is Carmela, sir.
FRANKLIN
(From a distance)
Well, given that those maniacs can climb, could everyone mourn and fugue and Carmela somewhere other than the brightly lit and easily accessible window?
FIONA
I’m working on it, sir! [Rough sigh. Beat.] Mister Jefferson, please! I need to know –
JEFFERSON
(Muttering)
Chaise lounge all bloodied. Plus Junebug. Now a window. But what’s money matter faced with walking death? What’s –
FIONA
Thomas! Look down there! Do you see the madman trying to scale the wall?
JEFFERSON
His neck was bent wrong. It shouldn’t –
FIONA
Damn right, it shouldn’t! And he means to bend all our necks wrong. And if he can’t do it, there’s a dozen others behind him. We need to get out of here.
JEFFERSON
Alas, we’re trapped. Foxes in a trap. Set to be torn apa –
AUDIO: FIONA slaps him.
JEFFERSON
Ow!
FIONA
Thomas Jefferson! Benjamin sang your praises for the last six hours of our journey here. And when he stopped, you were there to pick up the tune. Am I now to understand this man of purportedly unparalleled brilliance meekly melts at the first challenge to his orthodoxy? [Fiona slaps him – “Ow!”] And challenged by what? A mere mob of walking dead men? For shame, sir! Gather your wits and tell me how to get us out of here!
JEFFERSON
Out of here? There’s, ah – I suppose there’s the dumbwaiter, but it may –
FIONA
The dumbwaiter! Brilliant! Now if you’ll come away from the window. Yes. Just so. Over here, away from plain view –
AUDIO: Blighted moans are closer now.
FRANKLIN
Fiona!
FIONA
A moment, sir! Yes, stand right here. Now, Redd! Method! And I suppose you as well, Carmela. We need to –
VERONICA
I need to – My sincerest apologies, but – I need to interject here –
ALLELLA
I’m sorry, what?
AUDIO: A wooden panel slides open.
PODCAST INTERLUDE
AUDIO: Mic scrape. VERONICA clears her throat.
VERONICA
I said I’d be remiss – and Carmela Kaine and Kaine Capital would be ill served – if I didn’t interject here. Now, I’m not trying to tell you two how to do your jobs, and I don’t want to be an asshole here –
ALLELLA
Yet, somehow, you’re about to manage both.
VERONICA
but I’ve had a few qualms regarding Carmela. Again, she was a product of her time. Yes, she owned slaves, but – and I hate to put it so bluntly – but nobody really knew better back then –
ALLELLA
Really? Nobody? Not even – I dunno, maybe – The Slaves thought anything was wrong?
VERONICA
Okay, yes. Of course slave perspectives are essential to understa – That is, ah – Kaine Capital respects all historically marginal – [Beat. Takes a breath.] What I’m trying to say is that I have reservations –
ALLELLA
Oh, you have reservations?
VERONICA
With Carmela’s portrayal. Particularly with the specious notion that she capitalized on something as horrific as the blight. For years, Kaine Capital has been fighting that kind of specious and sensational insinuation –
ALLELLA
Were we insinuating that? I thought we were outright stating it.
ALOYSIUS
Alella…
VERONICA
Professor Freeman, I was under the impression that this would be an amicable environment, but if she’s going to –
ALOYSIUS
It is, Veronica. It is, I promise. Allella is … passionate … regarding certain matters, but I promise Kaine will get a fair shake.
VERONICA
I would hope so. How can you expect continued sponsorship broadcasting this sort of treatment? Let alone –
ALOYSIUS
Veronica. Veronica. All of this is going to get cut. Our intrepid producer, Cassius, is on the ball, right?
CASSIUS
(Garbled, unintelligible response)
ALOYSIUS
See? Now, Carmela looms large in this next chapter, so why don’t you share Kaine Capital’s narrative perspective with our listeners, eh?
VERONICA
But haven’t you already recorded the voice actors? If their lines don’t jibe with my – Kaine’s – version, won’t it –
ALOYSIUS
Come off like some meta-commentary? Like we’re juxtaposing the polite corporate narrative with the gritty real story? Veronica, you wound me! Kaine Capital is our sponsor, and it’s only right you should get to tell Kaine’s side. We’ll call the actors back, no problem.
VERONICA
Okay, well. Okay. So, where were we?
ALLELLA
Monticello’s grand dining hall. The window was broken, the blighted mob was closing in, and Jefferson had just revealed to Fiona that they could escape via dumbwaiter.
VERONICA
Yes, of course. And therein lies one of numerous qualms I have with your narrative so far. According to Carmela’s account, Fiona and Jefferson quibbled over the best means of escape, and it was Kaine herself who seized on the dumbwaiter…
AUDIO: ALLELLA sighs. Podcast interlude audio gives way to…
MONTICELLO GRAND DINING HALL
AUDIO: blighted moans from outside. Thunder.
VERONICA
Everyone else was losing their heads.
FIONA
Everyone, listen! We need to keep our heads about us! We’ve only a short span before those fiends scale the wall and come through the window, but this dumbwaiter –
VERONICA
Ever level-headed, Carmela saw that the dumbwaiter could only fit one person at a time –
FIONA
Can fit two at a time if we squeeze.
VERONICA
Realizing that they were lost without her strategic acumen, everyone else insisted that Fiona be the first person to ride down.
FIONA
Now, it’s plain we should send the less capable down first. That means Benjamin and Mister Jefferson, who’s virtually useless until he regains his senses.
VERONICA
Thinking nothing of herself, Carmela protested –
FIONA
Then, I suppose Method and – ugh – Carmela can ride down –
VERONICA
The others insisted, though, and so Carmela gave in, bravely riding the dumbwaiter down into the dark unknown.
FIONA
And then Redd and I can – Carmela, wait your turn! We –
AUDIO: Hurried footsteps. A body squeezing into a tight, wooden space.
KAINE
Your attempt at asserting authority is amusing, but it’s every woman for herself. Now, if you don’t mind –
METHOD
Kaine! What are you –
FIONA
Carmela! Don’t you dare –
AUDIO: A wooden panel slides shut and the dumbwaiter drops. FIONA, REDD, and METHOD’S screams of protest are muffled. Wood slams against wood as the dumbwaiter halts.
MONTICELLO WINE CELLAR
AUDIO: Wooden panel creaks open. KAINE grunts.
KAINE
Best to leave the dumbwaiter open should I need to make a quick escape. Ye gods, but it is dark down here.
AUDIO: KAINE’S footsteps. The slightest of moans.
KAINE
Is someone there?
AUDIO: Slight moan again. Someone jostles a doorknob.
KAINE
I say, if you’re one of Jefferson’s people, present yourself! Your master is yet absent, but you should heed me as his equal!
AUDIO: Moan is louder. Doorknob stops jostling.
KAINE
If you persist in this, I swear I shall purchase you off Jefferson and have you whipped as an example. Come forth! I –
AUDIO: Moan still louder. Something thuds against a door.
KAINE
I hear you out there! Now, cease pounding on that door! I’ve got a –
AUDIO: KAINE fumbles among glass items
KAINE
I’ve got a hefty wine bottle here! Don’t make me brain you!
AUDIO: A stronger thud. KAINE whimpers. An even stronger thud. The door gives. KAINE screams. A bottle smashes against a skull. KAINE screams again.
MONTICELLO DINING HALL
VERONICA
With Carmela in the vanguard, the others waited for word that the wine cellar was all clear.
AUDIO: Musket shot. FIONA straining. Wood clacking and slamming. Musket shot.
FIONA
Damned thing won’t budge!
(Shouting)
Damn you, Carmela!
METHOD
I’m afraid for every one I put down, the musket report draws two more.
REDD
Then we’d best be somewhere else. Pratt, what’s the problem here?
FIONA
The dumbwaiter won’t move if the other panel is open.
(Shouting down dumbwaiter)
Carmela, you coward! Close the damn panel! Carmela?
(Quieter now)
Dear God, I hate that woman.
JEFFERSON
The rope! I believe. The rope?
REDD
What’s he on about?
METHOD
They’re scrambling up!
AUDIO: Musket shot.
METHOD
One over the other, like ants! I can’t hold them for long!
FIONA
The rope? Of course! Are you saying the dumbwaiter cable could support us?
JEFFERSON
(Coming back)
Yes, it should. Going one at a time, and cautiously. It’s not but a twenty, twenty-five-foot drop, the pulley is strong enough to –
FIONA
Sir, get over here!
FRANKLIN
I’m coming, I’m coming. But I’ve only just finished a footrace against those mad buggers; I doubt I’ve the vigor left for any speedy spelunking.
FIONA
Just hold tight and make sure you don’t fall.
AUDIO: FRANKLIN groans and the rope creaks.
REDD
It’ll be an eternity before Methuselah here reaches the bottom. Why are we sending him first?
FIONA
Because you two are best suited to cover our rear flank. Once he’s down, we’ll send Jefferson –
JEFFERSON
Oh, thank you!
FIONA
Then, ah, we three can descend, closing the hatch after, and –
METHOD
Gertrude, dearest, they’re ascending faster than I can reload on my own!
REDD
I’m coming! Fine, Pratt. Just make sure they get down as quick as –
FRANKLIN
(From within shaft)
Fiona! I fear I may be stuck, my dear girl!
FIONA
(Overlapping with REDD)
Just let go of the bloody rope, man!
REDD
(Overlapping with FIONA)
Just let go of the bloody rope, man!
FRANKLIN
(From within shaft)
But it’s such a drop! Perhaps if I – Aaaah! Oh noooooaaaaaggh!
MONTICELLO WINE CELLAR
AUDIO: A door slams, muffling rain and thunder. A slight blighted moan from somewhere. JUPITER groans.
KAINE
And I care not if you’re one of Jefferson’s favorites: you’ve no one to blame for this but yourself, boy!
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Madam Kaine, I promise you, I’m –
KAINE
Just imagine, if you can, my position: I might well have been the last unblighted soul on the whole plantation, and then some soaked and bedraggled negro barges through the door, a cane in one hand and an axe in the other. If that bottle hadn’t broken, I’d have gotten a dozen licks in, and not a soul would think me unjustified.
JUPITER
Madam Kaine!
(Hushed now)
I’m not blaming you for anything! I only asked for your help in barring this door.
KAINE
Well, you seem to have a passable job of it on your own, so –
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Madam, these fiends are drawn to noises. I believe I’ve eluded the mob pursuing me outside, but they might still discover us if we’re too loud. Let alone if there are any in here with us. At the very least, could you lower your tone so we can –
KAINE
Lower my tone? You forget yourself, boy! Now, lest I procure another bottle and have at you, make yourself useful and provide us with some light, no?
JUPITER
(Sighs. Hushed)
I – Indeed. There should be a lamp and flint just near the door. I’ll –
AUDIO: Fumbling about. Glass tips and crashes. A lamp cover creaks open. Flint striking. Flame catches. Faint blighted moan. Lamp cover closes. JUPITER sighs.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
There, now we’ve some light, now let’s – Is it just you down here, Madam? What of the others? Have they –
KAINE
I took it upon myself to descend via dumbwaiter and scout ahead. I signaled it was clear, so I’ve no idea what delays them. It is unfortunately possible that they –
AUDIO: FIONA’s shout muffled by dumbwaiter shaft. Clearer and closer, a blighted moan.
KAINE
Well, that must be them now. Come now, back to the dumbwaiter so we might regroup.
JUPITER
(Hushed)
Madam, wait! That sounded like –
KAINE
Come, boy! We’ll need that light. Unless you’d rather I inform your master of your insubordination. Once this mess has blown over, I’m sure he’ll – Why, that’s odd. No one’s here.
JUPITER
Kaine, look out!
AUDIO: Blighted moan, clear and close now. KAINE screams. Sounds of struggle. JUPITER grunts. An axe sinks into a skull. Moaning ceases.
JUPITER
(Winded)
Their heads. You’ve. Got to go for their heads. Are you whole, Madam? I –
AUDIO: Muffled by dumbwaiter shaft, FRANKLIN voice screaming “Aaaah! Oh noooooaaaaaggh!” Then a crash. Wood splintering. FRANKLIN groans.
FRANKLIN
Ohhhhh, would that I’d never left Boston. I – My word! Jupiter? Is that you, lad?
JUPITER
Master Franklin! Are you well, sir? Is anything broken?
FIONA
(From above, through shaft)
Benjamin? Benjamin! Answer me!
FRANKLIN
I’m here, girl! Just a few bruises! Come down quickly! I’ve found Jupiter! They’re both here! Jupiter and Madam – and … Pardon me, Madam Kaine, but why do you hold your hand so?
KAINE
It’s nothing, I swear! Little more than a nick! Just a small bite!
AUDIO: Rope strains in dumbwaiter shaft. Muffled thunder and blighted moans. Fading to…
PODCAST OUTRO
AUDIO: Bumper music, fading to…
ALOYSIUS
I’ve got to say, Veronica: your depiction of Carmela’s story was certainly … something!
VERONICA
Do you really think so?
ALLELLA
(Spitefully polite)
Oh, absolutely! I was skeptical at first, but –
VERONICA
Oh, thank you! I can’t take all the credit, of course. The Kaine Capital communications team really –
ALLELLA
Oh no, girl, don’t be shy. That was an absolutely hagiographic narrative, and you deserve everything that’s coming to you.
VERONICA
I’m so glad to hear you say so!
ALOYSIUS
And we were so glad to have you! And for Kaine Capital’s generous sponsorship!
VERONICA
Of course! Now, I’ve got to go, but I just wanted to confirm: you’re going to record new voice acting to go along with my improvements, right?
ALOYSIUS
It just wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t, Veronica!
VERONICA
Fantastic! This was so fun, you two! I’ll see you next week!
AUDIO: Headset being put down. Studio door opens, then shuts.
ALLELLA
(Muffled)
You’d better be right about this.
ALOYSIUS
(Muffled)
Trust me.
(Clearer)
And that’s going to do it for this week, folks.
ALLELLA
Join us next episode for our season finale: the Fall of Monticello.
ALOYSIUS
Until then, we’re grateful as always that you’re here with us for … Pale Columbia.
AUDIO: Bumper music swells. Then fades. Then cuts. Beat.
ALOYSIUS
(Muffled)
No, really, I already cashed the check. We’re fine.
